To Love Myself

"In the end of the story, he found the one who loves him...  himself."

Para petinggi studio film Korea itu tertawa. My grand ending about loving yourself first before loving others jadi terdengar seperti narsisisme.

"Do you love yourself?" tanya salah seorang dari mereka, masih tertawa.

"No I don't," jawab gue.

Tawa mereka tidak lagi kencang. I am no longer the good comedy director they expected when they first met me.

"Well... I am trying to," lanjut gue.

Mereka diam.

"I found it very hard to love myself. That's why I pushed my lover so hard to prove that she loves me.  Because it is very hard for me to believe that someone actually loves me. "

Dramatic gap.

"Because I don't ."

Narsisisme gue hanya tameng untuk menutupi betapa gue tidak merasa pantas dicintai.

Saat akhinya kami bersalaman goodbye, I think me being vulnerable and honest in front of a bunch of studio executives will not get me a film deal.

But I was being truthful.

I have a feeling this film will be made with or without them.

I just need to learn to love myself in the process.