every little steps

"Nanti kita roadshow... Trus masuk ke channel movies... Atau jadi copro aja semua karyawan... Atau mau talkshow? ... Mau kota apa? You name it. TV lokal kita ada di semuanya... Kita butuh content... Dan konsep kalian menarik sekali... "

Sebuah pintu pelan-pelan terbuka.

Pelan-pelan? Kebuka lebar, nona.

"cin(T)a udah pernah ada TV yang beli?"

Pintu lain terbuka.

"Mau PIN BB Julia Perez?"

Sekarang jendela.

Dan semuanya terbuka bukan karena gue kenal siapa atau bapak gue siapa. 

Suatu sore yang mendung, Sunny Soon pergi sendirian naik kereta ke UI membawa 10 poster. Sementara Mama Sammaria di Medan bertemu pejabat ini dan orang kaya itu yang katanya akan mendatangkan uang berjuta-juta. Kerjaan gak penting biar Sunny aja.

Setelah nanya sana-sini, minta izin sana-sini, akhirnya Sunny menempel poster di halte bus dan stasiun kereta. Kalau di gedung, izinnya harus per fakultas.

Tes. Tes.

Hujan semakin mengancam.

Sunny Soon berlari-lari kencang ke sebuah gedung bernama Fokasi UI yang kepanjangannya pun dia tak tahu apa. Tadi ada yang bilang bagus kalau tempel di sana.

Plok. Sunny cepat-cepat menempel, takut keburu hujan. nanti Sunny gak bisa pulang. Masih banyak kerjaan. Bisa-bisa Mama Sammaria marah-marah kalau gak beres.

Poster itu ditempel walau mungkin sebentar akan dicabut lagi.

Mana Sunny tahu kalau sebelum dicabut, posternya sempat dibaca petinggi TV.

Sekali tempel, dua tiga pintu terbuka.

His every little step counts.

His every little step  teaches Mama Sammaria there is no such thing as little steps. Just move your butt, even at the time it seems like worthless.

Yuk nempel poster yuk.

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better

I went to sleep hoping tomorrow is a brand new day

But I wake up and live the same day over and over

So I start today with a prayer

Cause even if it is the same day

I will never be the same again

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enough for everyone

Take it easy, my friend.

Let me tell you life's biggest secret: there is enough for everyone.

You will be so surprised

how can it be? With all the blink blink and the ferrari

But life tell you what

There is enough for everyone

If you know this, you don't need no manolo to walk on the water

Need no prada to keep on your master card

Cause there is enough for everyone

Just take what you got and start your journey

Open up your heart to the grace of others

And bless others with your grace

Then you wont mind to be crucified at 33

Cause you have enough of life to share

And all the amazing stories

With the father and mother of the earth

So today I decided to take nothing but my heart

Hopeflly I'll finish with less pimple and body fat

To be the best me I can ever be

So help me God

And Klinik Estetika

And Marie France Bodyline

Amen

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sing

Sing like no one is listening.

Not that easy, babe. terutama ketika lo ngarep someone is listening. Someone with a voice divine enough to sing your song so people will listen to your song ... Tanpa terganggu suara cempreng gue.

"Lo tuh kaya melly goeslaw. Bikin aja. Ga usah nyanyi," kata mama singa, bankir tak berbudaya, selera pendengar rata-rata, yang sayangnya pendapatnya selalu benar adanya.

Gue coba minta orang lain nyanyi, tapi gue malah put more pressure on them. 

Tempo terlalu cepat. Emosi gak ada. Can you sing like you mean it?

If you know how to sing so well, kenapa gak lo cobain nyanyi sendiri?

Gak berani.

You are better than this.

Kalik aja kalau lo nyanyi, temen2 lo yang suaranya divine tapi gak nyanyi2 juga jadi pada tertantang untuk nyanyi.

Atau ada someone out there  yang terusik untuk ngegantiin lo nyanyi.

If that person exist, I think I will be the happiest girl in the world.

But there are no if's. You have no one but yourself.

Just sing, babe. 

It's gonna be ok.

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count on me

Okay now you have tried your ways

And look where it has gotten you. You were a dreamer and you no longer believe in your dreams.

You know from the beginning, I will provide for you. And I will bring you all the glory you need.

Which is none, but somhow it's enough.

And still you lean on everyone else but me. To  that giant company who will give you money. To that famous director and her socialite friends. To some rich guy and his jealous wife. To his knowledge on how to market a movie.

That will take you nowhere but to the place they had gone before.

The place where dream is for fools.

So are you dare to make a fool of yourself and follow my way?

Be still and know and I am God.

I don't want you cry no more.

You are made for the sun.

Be still.

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bibik

Bolongan kecil di tembok itu jadi harapan terakhirnya. Potongan pria-pria berbaju loreng  hilir silih berganti melintasi lubang. Diirinngi tawa.

Tawa.

Aktivitas asing baginya semenjak dia kembali ke Indonesia.

Tiga tahun jadi TKI di Malaysia, tak pernah dia disiksa. Tak pernah dia disetrika. Tak seperti kata berita.

Majikannya baik. Yang diurusnya seorang balita berusia 3 tahun yang semakin hari semakin lucu. Sekarang pasti sudah jadi perawan.

Bukannnya dia tak mau kembali pada mereka. Tapi ibunya baru saja meninggal. Ia ingin pulang kampung, mumpung masih di Indonesia.

Tapi tiket sudah dibeli. Sumina harus tetap terbang. Toh ibumu sudah mati. Tak perlu lagi didatangi.  Nanti perusahaan merugi.

Sumina meremas kertas di tangannya dan melayangkannya sekuat tenaga melewati dinding tinggi. Sebuah kertas berisi permintaan tolong ke tentara di sebelah dengan harap-harap cemas.

Tentara di kampungnya seram-seram. Maksa dia pakai bunderan di vagina. Agar anaknya gak nambah lagi.  Tapi hari itu tentara menjadi penyelamat bagi Sumina. Sebuah tambang menguntai dari sebelah. Sumina memanjat dan diantarkan tentara ke Kalideres.

Perusahaan mendatangi desanya dan menuntut ganti rugi. Sumina tak punya uang. Paspor dan bagasi Sumina ditahan sampai Sumina bisa bayar.

Ya sudahlah lebih baik Sumina di rumah saja, jaga anaknya yang sudah tiga. Tak lama, lahirlah si kembar. JAdilima mullut yang harus disuapi. Tapi tak apa-apa.Sumina tak perlu kerja. Masih cukup suaminya jualan rujak di Jakarta.

Sampai 3 bulan kemudian, si suami ditabrak orang kota dan gegar otak.

Biaya rumah sakit dibayar, tapi si suami tak lagi sama. Jualannya tak lagi bisa mencukupikehidupan Sumina dan 5 anaknya.

Si Sulung di Palembang, Suami si nomor dua malu punya ibu pembantu. Si nomor tiga dapetnya oang kampung situ juga, gak ada uang.

Sumina kembali bekerja demin 700 ribu sebulan.

Sumina tetap tertawa,

"Kok bibi bisa tertawa?"

Hati ya harus kosong, biar muka tetap tertawa. Tips and trik Sumina menghilangkan derita.

Gue pun ikut tertawa.

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A Movie He Wants To Make

"We love the script," they said.

This comes from a company who produced 60 something movies worldwide.

"When I first heard the premis, I told them to set up the meeting right away."

This comes from the Weinstein of Singapore.

"I tell you ya, your project is the only one with genuine investment interest in it."

This comes from the festival guy who matchmakes many filmmakers and moneymakers. Even without the awards, people can smell the fun and the fortune in our project.

And all not because of me or the freakin diorama. It's all because of the script.

"His writing is really visual... and fun."

But still he doesn't think he is good enough.

Even after his first feature length script get into the competition in Berlinale.

But he is good. Even after the shabu-shabu and the constant typhoid and the death of his mother.  Still he thinks he is not good enough.

If I had his talent, and his heart... I woulda been making the best movies in the world. I would want to live after 40.

"Badan gue tambah parah," katanya. Life after 40 seems a lot further, as he wish. He wants to die gorgeous. Not old and weak and wrinkly.

I would tell him to take care more of his body so he can still live longer and keep me company. Life is a lot more fun with his witty remarks, good heart, and warm shoulder. Even if it's weak and wrinkly, the shoulder will neverlose its warmth.

But I tell him  "More reasons to make the mother movie of yours NOW" instead.

He laughs. Quietly.

He is 31.

 

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Happy Birthday, Babe

I missed your birthday.

So I don't expect a birthday card from you this year.

But you are not me. You won't forget my birthday just because I forget yours.

It's here, even if it's 20 days late.

"What? Padahal gue kirimnya express lho. Kok bisa baru nyampe?"

Padahal kartu itu lo bawa-bawa seminggu di tas. Maunya nulis pendek, tapi tiap mikirin gue lo jadi melankolik trus terbengong-bengong lama deh.

Geer;D

Bentar doang ... Pas inget lo lagi di New York sama suami lo, gak jadi geer lagi.

I was wondering, how does it feel to be married to someone yang bukan love of your life?

"When it's good, it's never really good. When it's bad, it's never really bad," kata lo di umur 29.

Tapi untuk seorang  arsitek umur 31, that might be what you need. A quiet and peaceful life in a beautiful place like Melbourne, with occasional trip to Beijing and New York. Not a passionate love affair with secret occasional rendezvous in  a hotel in  Hongkong... Or Germany.

I was wondering, will I feel the same when I was 31?

I am 29 years old. A quiet and peaceful life in Melbourne no longer looks as bad as when I was 23. But somehow my feet leads me to a more passionate life. A passion that might get me into more pain and suffering.

"In case you need a refugee, come to Melbourne. My door is always open."

Thanks, babe.

Gak sekarang tentunya. Situ lagi di New York.

In case you are in New York, that's okay. Whatsapp will always be enough.

In case you have no whatsapp, that's okay too. You are always here kok.

Aiyhhhhhh

So be it the grand confession or finding my Portia, you are rooting for me.

Now life seems a lot easier with you and whatsapp around.

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Sebentar Lagi...

Hari ini dia bikin coklat.

Bentuknya tai. Rasanya yummi.

"Gue jualin deh," kata salah satu ahli kaskus.  Harapannya kembali bersinar. Mungkin sebentar lagi cerah.

Dengan tekun dia membuat coklat semalaman. Mungkin ini personal legend-nya.

Kemaren aktor.

Kemarennya lagi  penyanyi.

Kemarennya lagi designer grafis.

Semuanya potentially brilliant.

Semuanya belum sampai ke brilian, sudah pindah haluan.

Mama mulai takut. Takut dia akan end up kaya papanya. Banyak bakat, tapi gak fokus. Semua mau, akhirnya semua nggak.

He doesn't know what he wants to be, but one thing for sure: He doesn't wanna be his dad.

Dia harus fokus.  Tanganku ingin menarik tangan kreatifnya dan mengarahkan mata baiknya ke tempat yang semestinya.

Tapi apa tempat yang semestinya? The land where one pursues one's dream passionately?

Matanya bersinar girang kok.

What do I know? Mungkin ini memang proses yang harus dia lewati. Who am I to judge his ways?

If I were him, I woulda done the same thing.

Tangan gue gak jadi menarik, malah melipat dan diam.  Berharap, semoga benar sebentar lagi cerah.

Kalaupun nggak, setidaknya pasti ada satu yang beli coklatnya.

Nyummm.

 

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Wanita Jilbab Itu

"Kaka... Kaka... "

Aiyhhh. Suara annoying itu lagi.

Gue menoleh sebal. Siapa yang berani panggil gue kakak? Gue 29, situ 22. Cuma beda 7 tahun. Gak usah sok muda deh.

Gue jutekin, dia tetap tersenyum lebar, pamer gigi-gigi berantakan berpagar behel warna warni dan eye liner di balik kaca mata tebal. Inget betty laFea season 4, plus jilbab.

"Dia tuh Tracy Flick."

Tracy Flick adalah seorang karakter ambisius yang akan melakukan segala cara agar jadi ketua murid di high school-nya.  There is always a Tracy Flick in every click.

Ah tapi dia gak blonde dan gak kaya raya.  Rumahnya di gang belakang pasar sederhana. Lebih cocok Betty Lafea.

"Tapi dia ambisius banget. "

Well, she is. Emang dia selalu jadi ketua sih di forum filmmaker kota kembang. Udah bertahun-tahun gak ganti-ganti. Entah karena dia gak lulus-lulus atau emang addicted jadi ketua.

Pertama kali gue offer gaji 3 juta dan dia malah minta share dari profit film, gue tersinggung. Temen-temen gue yang udah bareng gue dari film pertama aja gak ada yang berani minta gitu.

Maybe she is a Tracy Flick.

Tapi Tracy Flick gak ditinggal ayahnya. Mamanya gak harus hidup dari bikin kosan dan katering. If I were her, I woulda done the same thing.

Bahkan gue akan minta 5 juta!

"Gue gak kaget kalau one day dia bakal ninggalin kantor lo."

She is a hard working girl and deserves the best. Kalau dia akhirnya cabut trus bikin sendiri, I will be the most proud boss in the world.

"Kaka... Kaka... "

Gue  menoleh tersenyum.

There is a reason there is always a Tracy Flick in every click.

Tracy Flick makes the world go round, and kepompong gendut masih berjalan.

Thank you, Tracy Flick.

Eh... Betty season 4.

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Ayah

Ayah buat gue namanya Papi. Bagi mami, dia Bang Mondang. Bagi om-om tentara, dia Pak Juntak. Bagi tante Botox kaya raya mantan teman sebangkunya, dia si Gius. Bagi tante janda temannya maen guli dulu, papi si Abang.

Namanya entah siapa. 

"Pokoknya itulah, yang adek si Manarsar, yang rumahnya di belakang sana,di Pasar Empat."

Papi dilahirkan bukan di Medan, masih di kampung dekat Danau Toba di mana harimau belum dikebunbinatangkan.

Papi dilahirkan di saat Indonesia baru merdeka. Bapaknya pegawai pos. Mamaknya anak kepala negeri. Di Sigumpar tahun 47, siapapun yang bukan petani pastilah terpandang.



Papi mengaku selalu rajin membantu ibu. Rajin belanja. Rajin memasak. Uang di rumah dia yang megang. Bukan abangnya, bukan adik perempuannya yang ada  7. Tak heran cuma Papi yang diingat Opung ketika dimensia merubah semua orang  jadi Belanda di matanya. Hanya Papi si Mondang yang tetap dia sayang.

Sangkin sayangnya papi pada Opung, mami pun protes.

"Cuma mamaknya yang dipikirkannya. Istrinya nggak. "

Katanya.

Padahal papi masih masak. Masih nyapu. Masih mandiin Bobot dan Boni. Masih cari uang. Tapi masih kurang.

Dulu papi lebih baik lagi.  Semuua gara-gara pelatihan tentara di suatu masa ketika pangkat papi belum berbunga. Kata komandannya, papi cocoknya jadi bapak rumah tangga. Gak cocok jadi tentara.

Semenjak itu papi dilatih untuk nyuruh-nyuruh. Semua perintahnya gak boleh dibantah. Bahkan gorden diatur papi. 

Mami terpaksa nurut, walaupun gorden ungu gak cocok ama sofa merah.  Demi karir papi.

Saat papi jadi siswa, di brain-wash tentara biar mampu mimpin negara, gue lahir.  Gue gak tahu sebaik apa papi dulu. Papi versi komandan yang semua perintahnya  dituruti, tetap manis dan baik hati. 

Wajahnya serem sih.

Kalau ketawa, gak cocok.

Papi yang  gue ingat adalah komandan yang dihormati orang.  Gue gak jadi ditilang kalau bawa nama papi. Nginep gratis kalau bilang ke temen papi. Dikasih Barbie ama om-om Cina teman Papi.

Tiap papi pulang kantor, nona kecil diajak 'beli-beli' naik mobil papi. Nona kecil duduk di depan, masuk toko makanan dan bisa beli apa aja yang nona kecil mau sementara papi menyetir pelan-pelan, memastikan kotanya aman dan premannya gak macam-macam.

Sekarang papi udah pensiunan, botak, dan ketinggalan topi melulu. Gak pernah  lagi ngajak 'beli-beli' karena nona kecil mintanya gak lagi bonbon, tapi mobil.

Tapi papi masih punya waktu.

Papi keliling menemui teman-teman lamanya, bawa map dan flyer.  Nyari coPro untuk nona kecil yang butuh 1M untuk filmnya.

"Laen kali gak usahlah lo bikin film pake copro-copro gini," kata anak sulung Papi, gak tega liat bapaknya bolak balik Jakarta dan ditolak-tolak orang.



"Ah kalau kerjain kayak gini mana ada capek," kata wajah seram Papi berusaha manis.

Tetap seram.

Kok Papi bisa gak malu?

Demi nona kecil katanya. Buat apa malu.

Nona kecil terharu. Habis ini nona kecil mau bikin film tentang ayah dan anak. Big budget. Gak pake copro-copro an.

Judulnya Raja Kata. Tentang memaafkan. Tentang seorang anak yang gak bisa maafin ayahnya.

I have a lot of those stories around me. Bitter son. Bitter daughter.  Tapi bukan gue. 

Gue gak tahu rasanya punya bapak kawin lagi. Gak tahu rasanya ditinggalin demi anak istri lain. Gak tahu rasanya punya mimpi gak disetujui ayah sendiri. Gak tahu rasanya punya keinginan dan gak dipenuhi papi. Gak tahu rasanya pengen ngebunuh ayah sendiri.

"Lo sih gak bitter. Papi yang banyak bitter ama lo."

Ah masa sih? Bukannya gue nona kecil yang selalu disayang papi? Yang udah dicariin duit, tapi ongkos papi pun gak pernah diganti. Yang udah selalu ditelpon, tapi gak pernah nelpon papi. Yang bahkan pas papi operasi, malah pergi ke Jakarta entah ngapain.

Papi senyum manis, bukan berarti papi hepi.

Coba dengerin papi. Tiga hari aja.

And maybe you will know what forgiving is dibalik wajah seram papi.

Tiga hari...

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Tears

I read my own writing and felt like somebody else. Was I ever been that joyful? Was I ever that bitter? Was I ever  that brilliant? Have I ever been that selfish?

Was I ever that girl?

I used to sing like no one hears. Dance like no one watches. Love like never been hurt. Live like heaven is on earth.

Write like no one will read.

But I no longer dance, no longer sing. No longer write cause I know someone will read. And they will think of me as a dissappointment.

No longer love cause I know how much it hurts.

No longer live cause I know heaven is not on earth.

So I tried to cry cause I am not supposed to like this me.

But I cry no more cause I know I will be one day dance again.

Even with the bitterness and the tears... I will dance like no one watches.

I will  sing like no one listens.

And I will write like no one will be dissappointed in me.

So one of these days, when it rains, I will dance and dance and dance...



So I won't feel the tears falling on my face.

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