Minggu, 11 Desember 2011

Dear Tuhan

Tuhan, pendeta sedang khotbah. Gue males dengerin. Gue ingin mendengar suaramu, bukan khotbah tentang betapa kita seharusnya puas dengan apa yang kita miliki.

Tuhan, are you here? You are not answering.

Are you mad at me? Are you ashamed of me?

Tuhan, bahkan Daud pun kau ampuni setelah Batsyeba. Tapi kenapa kamu diam saja?

Mungkin karena Daud meraung-raung minta ampun. Dia meraung-raung karena merasa bersalah.

Tapi aku tidak meraung-raung minta ampun. Aku tidak merasa bersalah. Aku malah ngetik BB di sela-sela khotbah.

Tuhan, am I really that awful? Have you hardened my heart? Is this what you did to Saul's heart?

I am tired of being your good girl cause I am not. I am selfish. I am angry. And I can so totally ignore whatever things you say in your bible.

Was that really you? Or was it some Moses and some Paul and some Peter and some guys' thought about you?

I thought you were wonderful and witty. I still do.

But I am not so wonderful and witty anymore. I am full of hatred and anger and unfinished feeling steering my mind to overcompensate to something else.

I'm trying to explain my feeling in words but it frustrates me even more. I can't believe anyone had ever had this feeling.

But Celine Dion did.

Josh Groban did.

Goo Goo Dolls.

Dewa 19.

Even Akon did.

If this feeling is not that special_everyone else feels it once in a while_how can it be so strong?

Gue mau diam dan duduk dekatmu, Tuhan, tapi kamu terlalu bijak. Kamu gak pernah jatuh cinta. Kamu gak tahu rasanya ingin meluk tapi gak bisa.

You are God. How could you?

You did. You wanna hug her, but You didn't.

But I did.

Did that make you God and I am human?

Tuhan, I wanna stay close to you. This world of self centered desire is getting me nowhere.

But you are not listening to me. Why would you? I'm a sinner. I am selfish. I never thought of you before. Why would you think of me?

Or would You like it better if I ask for her happiness and joy and a little short term memory loss?


I didn't mean it. I am too selfish to ask for her happiness.

God, help me. Take me out of this me me me me and me world.

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