why me?

Tes. Tes. Tes.

Bunyi air mata di atas toilet.

Why me?

This is way too hard. Can't you tell somebody else to do it?

Of course I can. Do you want me to?

Tes. Tes. Tes.

I know the other option. It's not a happy one either.

So why are you crying then?

At least I am not sweating blood.

I was scared too, girlfriend.

My Gethsemane is nothing compared to yours.

Not really. I was not alone. So are you.

Can't you take this cup away from me?

If you want me to.

Not my will, but yours, be done.

I only want what you want.

I want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy.

But not this way. I can't stand people hating me.

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.

Maybe it's not really on your account. Somehow it's all for the glory of me.

Than let people see my glory through the glory of you.

Can't it be a glory of me a little bit?

Of course. They will remember you. But it's too big of a task to do just for the glory of you. You just would not survive.

Tes. Tes. Tes.

Pray that you may not enter into temptation.

Why me?

We are going in circles.

I think I don't love you that much.

Do you want to love me more?

I do. I just don't know how. I think you designed me to be to self centered.

Do you feel comfortable being self centered?

No.

Then you are not designed that way.

What should I do to love you more?

Love others.

Even FPI?

Especially FPI.

Promise you will never leave?

Did I ever leave?

I am scared.

What are you afraid of?

People will hate me.

I love you. Am I not enough?

I guess.

Then go.

I need some sleep.

Why are you sleeping? Rise and pray that you may not enter into temptation.

I don't know what to pray.

Then write it down.

I am scared.

Do you know how not to get scared?

Yeah. Yeah. Pray that I may not get into temptation.

Then why aren't you?

It's too noisy. I have too much in my mind.

What is so important than talking to me?

I guess I am just scared.

The more you tell yourselves you are scared, the more it will be. Your mind is stronger than you thought.

Then what shoould I tell myself? I am loved?

Good one.

I am loved.

Good.

I don't love you. I love myself more.

It doesn't matter. I still love you.

Thank you for loving me.

My pleasure.