Fear

Gue gak takut ketinggian. Gue gak takut laba-laba. Gue gak takut ngomong depan umum. Gue gak takut gagal. Gue gak takut mati.

Kadang-kadang.

What is my 5 greatest fear?

Mungkin pertanyaannya harus dirubah. What is my 5 greatest love?

Love is the highest form of fear. By understanding what you love the most, you will know what you fear most.

In a not chronological order, what do I love most?

Myself

It’s a love and hate relationship, actually.

I love myself when I’m surprised by the great things I thought I would never do. Misalnya: resign, ngasih tips lebih ke bibik, ga peduli duit, dll.

But I still know my darkest side. And it’s not a side I am proud of. Misalnya: gampang takut, suka spotlight, ngomong ga mikir, ga suka liat orang senang, dan hal-hal memalukan lain yang harus gue waspadai muncul di pojok-pojok hati dan siap menguasai jalan pikiran dan tindakan.

But still, I love myself.

So if I love myself that much, what am I afraid of?

That I love myself too much.

Damn.

My parent.

Walaupun norak, I think they did the best job they knew how to do.

Walaupun waktu di Batam ketika mereka berantem, satu ke Deden, satu ke Chica. Gak ada
yang millih ngadu ke gue. Aku ini anak siapa?

But I’m fine. Maybe I will love them less kalau mereka ngadu ke gue. I just can’t stand people bitching about my parent, even when they are my other parent.

So what am I afraid of?

Gue takut kalau mereka mati, mereka belum gue bahagiain. Belum liat gue kawin. Belum liat anak gue.

Kawin and punya anak? That’s so not my goal right now.

Gue pengennya bikin film.

Makanya gue bikin film tentang emak gue aja deh. Kayanya dia bakal seneng. Secara doi banci spotlight. Pilihan lainnya ya nyetirin doi ke sana sini.

Kayanya lebih gampang dibikinin film.

Papi apa ya? Dibikinin film gak ngaruh. Nonton 1 menit udah ketiduran. Kayanya dia bahagia kalau bisa bahagiaan gue. So I have to try to be happy then.

Damn. That’s tough.

My friends.

Sahabat datang dan pergi. Yang mengkhianati, so far belum ada. Seringnya gue yang menyakiti.

So if I love my friends that much, what am I afraid of?

Takut mereka berubah?

Everybody changes. Yang once upon a time in school gue sangka akan terus bersahabat pun berubah. But I still love my firends.

At least the memory of them.

Takut mereka tersinggung?

Maybe. I have a talent for hurting people feelings.

Takut lo disakiti?

Mmm... no comment. Atau iya ya? Makanya gue cenderung pergi dan niggalin orang sebelum anything bad happens. Or sebelum nothing happens.

That's it. Takut boring.

I just can’t stand the comfortable silence that true friends supposed to have.

My Work

Lo boleh nyela dan nyampahin karya gue, tapi kalau coba ngerubah... I think I can become very defensive and pigheaded.

Nguik nguik...

And I am wondering why I have no producers? Hahaha.

My Space

Gue gak bisa tingal sekamar ama orang. Kalaupun ntar nikah, kayanya gue bakalan kaya Tim Burton dan Helena Bonham Carter.

If I love my space that much, why do I have facebook?

Krik krik krik...

What am I afraid of?

Gue takut end up sendirian.

Should I take anyone available?

Don’t. It’s your fear dictating your judgement.

There are only 2 reasons in life. Either you are chasing something or you are running away from something.

Ga perlu bingung. It's so simple. Fear or Love.

Gak ada alasan lain.

If you do it because of love, that’s the right way. If you do it because of fear, that’s the wrong way.

So let's go there where your love take you.

But isn't fear another form of love?

Damn. Siapa tadi yang bilang it's so simple?