Dia 26. Gak pernah masturbasi. Gak pernah ML. Gak pernah suka ciuman.
She makes me feel like the biggest pervert on earth. I need raw meat, not like the one this Sushi Tei feed us.
No! He is the biggest pervert. Compared to him, aku hanya seekor perawan gendut yang pengalaman masturbasinya hanya sebatas guling.
Him? Kalau ke kosan dia, sedia dettol sebelum pulang. It’s a crime scene, a witness to his sex life. Jangan menyentuh barang apa pun. Terutama gunting.
Dia harus packing buat ke Kalimantan malam ini, meninggalkan gue and the never horny girl. Gue pengen nganterin ke airport karena belum puas supply cerita-cerita birahi. Apa daya Tomang sudah berubah menjadi samudera, mobil-mobil pun berlabuh frustasi di depan Central Park. Tak terlihat tanda-tanda melaju. Akhirnya aku harus cukup puas dihibur dengan SMS-SMS nakalnya.
Gue terjebak di apartemen The Never Horny Girl.
Haruskah gue nginep di sini? Takut pinjem gulingnya setelah mengumbar cerita cintaku dengan guling.
“Lo gak akan masturbasi depan gue kan?” kata dia sambil melempar guling.
Gue gak jawab, pura-pura terhanyut dengan SMS-SMS dari Kalimantan yang masih tetap nakal.
Him: “Lo gak diapa-apain kan nginep di tempat dia?”
Me in her biggest T-shirt and her basket short who looks more like tights on me. Really not a perfect lesbian scene.
Me: “Pengen gue apa-apain sih. Tapi sayang ah. Mending gue piara jadi temen.”
Ntar siapa lagi yang bayarin gue sushi tei?
Him: “Ih gue kirain lo yang bakal dimangsa. Doi kan bilang ga horny ama cowo. Ga bilang gak horny ama cewe.”
Me: “Hahahaha lo percaya gak tuh ama dia? Masa sih ada orang gak pernah horny?”
Him: “Gue percaya ada banyak possibilities. Tapi berhubung gue suka sex, gue gak kebayang ada orang yang gak pernah horny.”
She’s a saint./ She lies./She’s a lesbian.
Me: “Huahahaha. I can’t believe I am taking sex advice from you.”
Him: “Instictively kok. Paling gue cuma bisa bantu cari lokasi potensial doang.”
A toilet? A classroom? A hotel room? An empty apartment?
Enough sex talk for today. Not when I spent a night with a girl who watches Nat Geo and thinks everyone will go to heaven. I actually still listen to what she said at 2am, just the way I did 15 hours before.
Gue tidur di sofa. Menghindari kemungkinan-kemungkinan terburuk. No more free sushi tei.
Saat matahari mulai mengintip, saat Samudera Tomang tak lagi pasang, aku mulai berlayar dengan mobilku, kembali ke Rawamangun.
Apa daya mobilku dihalangi mobil lain yang parkir sembarangan. From some hundred cars in this parking lot, kenapa harus mobil gue yang dihalangi?
Oh God. Is this a sign? Masa gue harus balik ke atas lagi? Kasian doi lagi tidur.
So I sit there alone in my car, waiting. Listening to nothing but silence. Smelling nothing but her smell.
Sniff sniff.
Oh no. It’s me.
Now I smell like her.
Damn.
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